After the high of releasing my book this week, I feel like this is the right time to post another deeply personal post. In choosing to post I no doubt will receive some negative reactions and possibly a few people thinking that I am oversharing. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Sharing my life is what I do. I express myself and connect to others through my writing. I find writing to be one of the most therapeutic tools in my arsenal of tools. Plus I might just help someone else that is experiencing the same emotions and confusion.
How to start? Anyone that has been reading my blog for a while will know that I have a horrendous dating history and that I also lost my father over a decade ago. So while working on myself and looking at my nutrition plus other elements of my life I realised that I have a massive fear of abandonment. This stems mostly from losing my father but also from all the crappy relationships I have dealt with in the past.
During my time at Bahay Kalipay we did a number of workshops and practices that brought out a lot of the issues behind my deep seeded sense of abandonment. The realisation that I had to begin honouring my feminine divine and discover what drives my desire also acutely resonated within my heart.
We also did a corny little quiz from a 1989 book, ‘The Goddess Within: A Guide to the Eternal Myths that Shape Women’s Lives’ , written by Jennifer Barker Woolger. My primary Goddess was Artemis and then Athena and Aphrodite tying for second position.
Mum and I at the Roman Temple of Artemis in Jordan. (Totally get she is a Greek God but it is called a Roman Temple – for reasons I know not!)
Now I don’t know a lot about Artemis but she is often pictured with a hunting dog, I had Jack Russels – epic little hunting dogs. She was primarily a virgin huntress, goddess of wildlife and patroness of hunters. Now I am not a patroness of hunters as I am fast becoming a plant-based person but I totally connect with the wildlife element. Certainly not a virgin and my past has some not so wholesome periods but I highly value my sexual energy.
I am committing myself to conscious celibacy or abstinence (still working on the terminology of what feels right) until I return to Australia so that I focus on finishing my studies and to give myself a chance to focus on healing without the influence of an external force clouding my judgement. We all know sexual energy can make us loss ourselves… least some of the wonderful, powerful people I have been with have had that effect on me!
In doing this am I preventing myself from finding true love? I am not adverse to dating or finding true love. I just simple believe that now, more than ever, it is time to focus on myself and my future. If my ‘true love’ person happens to show up tomorrow I have faith that they will be supportive of my choices. They will understand that at present finishing my studies and focusing on my travel and fitness aspirations makes me a better person to date later.
In respect to my travel, I don’t even know where I am truly headed after the Philippines. I am spending a little time back in Kuala Lumpur then back to Thailand but as far as any real plans I don’t actually have any…. dating me at present is problematic to say the least!
There are 5 months till I return to Australia. Therefore that is my current commitment to celibacy but I have a funny feeling that naturally I will make the commitment to remain celibate much longer. I have 2 endurance events (8 hour Cooroora Mountain Endurance Challenge and Blackall 100km Ultramarathon), launching my own business and re-commencing my Australian based life!
Tell you what that doesn’t leave much room for dating but right this second, writing this, I don’t care. It feels supremely right to make this choice and after New Year kick off my forties transformed! Sounds like a good plan if you ask me! Plus using all my sexual energy on other things means I might even have another book in me before the year is out! You just never know!!!
So tell me – have you ever had a period of conscious celibacy? Let me know how it went for you? I’d love to hear!